Sudsy Friday Night

Guys...I'm going to be honest with you, I am going to fall over dead from lack of sleep.

However as you can tell from the title I at least got a bath in on Friday, yay for that moment of solitude. Don't ask why that's the title when today is Sunday.

Today was 'pack your ass off' day (My Mother of course did most of it. Seriously, those of you who know her....know she goes 'beast mode' quite often in these situations). It feels good to get the ball rolling, especially when I ignore the huge guilt ridden feelings of taking my daughter away from my parents (adoration, just know guys, adoration). The right thing isn't always easy though, not that taking her away from them is 'right', but it's what's right for us. My Mother was right when she said 'we have to make a life of our own' -she's upset but that's her take on it, and I'm glad that's her take or it might break my heart, haha just joshing, I don't have one of those. Just kidding again! You silly readers!-

So now I'm typing this with a pen in my mouth as my fingers and arms are dead from other activities of the day and....we leave Tuesday! Here's to new beginnings! Please, send some luck my way because who the hell knows how this is going to go.

I keep having nightmares that this apartment will turn out to be one of those horror stories and then when I think of that my thoughts then jump to mace. I need some. I am a small (not skinny, I'm not delusional) armed woman, they could break me like a twig! And I can't throw the kid at them, that's politically incorrect, ahahaha. I'm so funny I make myself giggle. This urge to get mace, and then to actually turn on my car alarm keeps grasping at me though and so we'll see how this goes. I'll post pictures of the mace if I finally bite the bullet. Usually I never had a need for it, even before I was married. I'm an intimidating looking woman, I've got 'f-off' written all over this gorgeous face, criminals  know I will be that crazy ass that will take them down with me if necessary. Damn straight.

On a lighter note.

Tomorrow the packing will be done! Tuesday we will load up that truck, the kiddo and I will ride off, and Wednesday my parents will arrive with the truck. I'm so lucky to have them, because otherwise, I would be screwed.

Cheers!

Resignation to the end

IF you know what song it comes from,

you rule!

Anyways,

I know, I know this blog says single Mom. There will be more posting on my child in all her hilarity but right now it's like a village raising her. Well, my parents, and I.

I love my parents...but think about when you were little, didn't you want to go live with your grandparents? Why? Spoils of war.

Now...I'm the parent, with a kid living with grandparents, I need help haha and a therapist.

I love my parents, and they do an amazing job! (Do not go telling them lies, evil readers) It's also the problem that when I'm home I'm that lazy ass teenager again. "Mom...I can't reach the remote" you feel me? I am not strong enough to resist temptation!

I do horribly miss my alone time with butter bean and us having our own place. That's the beauty of being the idiot who has to move back home in these situations. We lost our 'home' and now I'm moving her again and I feel so horrible about it, seriously it's like I'm a Disney Villain. Thank the powers that be that she will be too young to pin too much blame on me. Just eyes of hurt and distrust, yay me.

So if I keep this up, there will be more butter bean/parenting hilarity later, like in seven days or so. I'm too excited, but the thought of us starting new is beyond invigorating. Let's just hope I don't screw it up again. This is a nice 'paranoia' of mine. Seriously though my bad feelings are usually spot on, so no more of this calling me paranoid crap peeps. Unless I'm talking about Ewoks and Face Huggers coming to get me, don't call me paranoid. Also if I mention those things, please make sure I'm not on hallucinogens or have finally cracked; if either of those are mentioned, please drop me off at nearest appropriate location.

Here's to hopefully making better choices in my personal life as well as in education/job. More on butter bean to be revealed.

Painting my nails and figuring out the meaning of life...

Catchy title, huh?

Well more so a fact than trying to be catchy or inspiring. I can't even decide on a color of nail polish though let alone make any life decisions. Now having stared at the screen for ten minutes I think I might have a small train of thought a 'chugging', get it? Train of thought? Ahahaha.

For those who were unfortunate enough to read the last post, which is now hidden deep in my dumb-ass abyss mind, you may have caught a trend of self loathing. I can't help it, I swing from thinking I am completely awesome, to perhaps thinking I should win dumb ass of the year award. I haven't decided which one is me, maybe a little of both? Ah who the hell cares as long as I'm not on America's Most Wanted.

This move to Louisiana has me excited, but it also brings up the memories of me being single in Louisiana...Hahahaha. That's all there is to say on that subject matter besides the fact that Louisiana men always think they like me until they realize I am just not their kinda girl. Take my 'Husband' for example. Man, I'm sure he was disappointed when I did not wear camo or act like a crafting, caring, amazing house wife. That's so laughable, my house keeping skills go right up there with a 19 year old frat boy.

I'm a music major, I can barely keep my music organized and now with my little butter bean around, I just make sure that she stays alive and that our house isn't bad enough to be condemned. I know, I have such high standards.  Anyways I guess I'm not talking about a raunchy dating scene (I mean come on guys I am still legally married) but it's the fact that being this ambiguous little creature in a place so heavily defined by its lifestyle...is just a little intimidating. On a bit of a side note, I really do have bad ju ju with men in that state, the first one who comes up to me...I will blurt out I'm married, have a crazy demonic toddler, and that I don't like hunting, if they haven't run by that point, I will.

I will now go pick a nail color and decide how to proceed with life. Ugh I feel like maybe the nail color will be the harder decision.

And she did it for fun?

How was everyone's weekend?

Mine was interesting, to say the least. I'm not going to get into full details about most of it but 'he (who must not be named)' brought almost all my stuff yesterday. It was gonna be on Saturday but he slept in soooo it was Sunday instead. By the time he got here I had already put my maniac to sleep though I let him peep in (turns out she was awake still so it was a win-win).

That's always a little difficult, considering I don't know how she'll react and the thought of her hurting makes me want to just go all protective lioness mom. Again, it was okay, she just seemed a little confused like 'how the hell did he get here? And where has he been?' but she didn't seem upset which was the most important thing.

My 400.00 shelf was broken, a little malfunction while it was being taken a part to be packed up to here. Let's just say a little part of my soul died, BUT it seems salvageable so there is hope!

ALSO....Good news!!

I got approved for another apartment so I sent out that money today. I am taking no chances damn it all! This one will be closer to her daycare so that is a pretty huge plus for me. I also received my financial aid award letter from Tech so that's another thing to scratch off my worry list, and I registered her for the daycare so her spot is guaranteed. I swear to god the people at the post office now know me with all the stuff I have had to mail the past two weeks.

Did I mention my move has been switched up to the first week of August? Sooo now I'm going into crazy packing mode. Except I can't really start until tomorrow since I have to buy boxes, most stuff has been moved via garbage bags, it has made for some interesting stories haha.

This was my first time seeing 'him' since April. I was a little worried that I would hurt when I saw him. And I did, but it was not at all in the way I expected. I only hurt because him acting like we were never married (and still legally are, I know...I'm so damn lucky) makes me feel less of myself. Then again I would rather we weren't still in that horrible cycle and not being in love with him makes it a little weird to still be married. < Let me clarify, I was not pining for him, but it would be a little satisfying to know that I was missed, you feel me?

When he brought the stuff I was so excited to see my shit I was just like 'WHOO!' which got me some odd looks but I could care less. This is starting the ball rolling on the fact that I will have my own space with my Daughter and that I will be making my life decisions for me and not a man. It's impressive for me, I mean it's been like a damn 12 step program to get here. I've made a lot of decisions based upon my relationships, you could say I'm a bit of an idiot, and now I am running with independence, sarcasm, and dry humor like a fat kid with a cupcake (or an ikea gift card, see first post).

So Louisiana peeps when you come to visit and I am overly proud over my one chair and glider for seating, do not judge, and hurry up to get a seat because it's first come first serve.

...Anyone want to help me move?

Haha....

Seriously.

You have a place to live...Just kidding!

Don't you love when you call to verify your fax went through, they tell you yes, and then add on 'but unfortunately we have no more apartments'....

'Wait why did you call to approve me then?'

'Well you were but we needed your proof of income.'

'You mean that fax I sent you the day you called to approve me?'

'Yes'

'How did this happen if I did it the same day?'

'Well someone else was approved and gave us their information first.'

'So you approved us both for the same apartment, the only one that was available? Why didn't you call and tell me so I could look for another place?'

'Well yes...sorry for the miscommunication'

WHAT COMMUNICATION?! Insert so many curse words into this; SDFLIJFGJJHDDGNN.

Okay, I'm cool now. Bruno Mars is trying to chill me out, he's all 'hey baby forget that, we'll find another place.'

Hey, he said this...in my dreams once. That apartment complex is on my 'shit' list. My Shit list is just places I hate, don't worry guys it's not some death note thing (if you don't know what that is, well it's not a hit list). Aside from that, I do not have to put my kid on a wait list for the daycare I want to put her in, so YAY for that! Seriously I was very happy about that. It was a mixture of good and bad news the past couple of days. "Haha no aparment" but 'Yay daycare!' and then 'you need to replace ALL your tires', and 'your wheels are bent, you need new rims'. Don't even ask, apparently driving like a crazy bat out of hell on unpaved roads has consequences. Who knew.

Tomorrow will be known as the day of spending also. I have to pay the 50.00 registration fee for the little one, another application fee to another apartment, a new state inspection for the car, and renew its tags, and I just know I'm forgetting something ahahaha. Oh yes buying the usual kid stuff, diapers, wipes, and then I have to buy myself a mattress. Haha when I left I got my furniture and the mattress was mine but I didn't want it. It was my act of defiance. Our marriage is over?! Fine! But I don't want that mattress! I know, I sure showed...him...or something. Haha I don't even know where I was going with that when it happened. The point is, I need a mattress, and a vacuum...and dining room chairs. No we did not split the dining room set 50/50 I wanted the spare table because I wanted something not connected to us.

Guys, when things are over, it is over. This little girl disappears or in this case, I can't disappear, but I disassociate like a beast, and once I've resolved myself to move on. I do it. First I break down like a huge baby, but then I put my big girl britches on and go on -as I say this Bruno Mars feels my mood change as he's singing Grenade right now, just for me, let me dream damn it-.

So my to do list on furniture:
1. Mattress
2. Dining room chairs
3. Eventually a couch/futon/love seat thing.

In other to do things:
FIND A PLACE TO LIVE. No big.

My bitter ass is going to pretend I'm tired and let my brain keep me up for another hour because it is cruel and unusual toward me.

Take Two?

I have a confession.

I lied about the voluptuous part, that may have been true once a upon a time but my Daughter made sure to shrink a pair of my once larger assets. Thank the lord the booty's still rocking (and for those who know about the after shock, you can attest to that truth).

Another confession.

I am horrible at being sick. Seriously guys I would rather my kid pee on my leg than give me a cold which is exactly what she's done. I look like death, except cuter. A little full of myself, but that is possibly just a front to hide deep insecurities and distrustful inner self....Naaah just playing I'm just full of myself.

Where did we leave off?

Oh yes being in my mid twenties and finally going back to finish school. Please try not to be jealous while my Daughter and I go to rock matching back packs, though I would rather be going to daycare, I hear they have snacks AND nap time! Lucky pistols. Right now as I write this I'm watching my daughter possibly eat her bath crayon while I teach her some dance moves to the Glee Cast Version of Gold Digger. That's right, you did read that correctly, no need to go back and verify unless you want to just for the hell of it. I know, it's parenting done right. Do not judge, I love rocking out with my kid and the laptop has the best sound to use for our jams. That and she could give two figs what I'm doing right now as long as I sit on the porcelain throne attentively watching her. Which I am, but I'm not peeing or anything, the lid is down...I had to come back and add this part, I don't want you all thinking I just am going to the bathroom while typing. It doesn't work that way in this house. The beauty of typing well enough to not look at the screen, you all know what I'm talking about. What we achieved after years of internet use of AIM, and what our children will do by pre-k.

This is the most in a row I will most likely post. Boredom of four weeks before the big move will temporarily drive me to be motivated to this. Then I will probably drop it like a hot rock aside from posts asking for someone to trade places with me or to bribe people with help with homework. Just know I love you all!

On a more serious note will someone please tell me how to get my kid to stop eating crayons? Not that I don't appreciate the artwork in her diapers, but I'm so paranoid she is missing out on some vital vitamin and has gone to eating wax like an animal eating grass. Thank God it has not escalated to eating her own excrement. That would be the drawing line on my life.

How does it feel being randomly tossed into the single Mom role? Like my kid will always taste the damn rainbow. I'm out, pray for the unsuspecting crayons, I think they're starting to catch on, they seem to be going into hiding.

It was over like a bolt of lightning

Let's see

It's July 14?

My Husband and I officially separated on March 14.

I was a mess. No amount of pinterest could ease my soul. In fact I'm still over dosing on it a bit as we speak. Though I brought it up, it was unavoidable and I even begged for him to come back afterwards. However peeps, he was gone long before the night we discussed it.

The Man I married was and is gone....that second deployment brought someone back that I didn't know. He does not wish to get help, and he wouldn't even to save our marriage, so I had to go. I can't always do it for him especially when he didn't even want me around anymore. I was desperate but not that far gone. Well, maybe, it's a little blurry at this point.

Anger issues were becoming a little too much and maybe it was PTSD but I feel that it was just me. That I drive men to go crazy....We will have to see through this. I guess what I'm getting at is that it was both our faults but a line was crossed on the emotional abuse front and maybe I pushed him enough but he pushed me too and I never crossed that line. It doesn't make me the better person, it just left me broken in the end.

Fast forward, one trip to England, one move back into my Parents' and now one move to Louisiana ahead of me and I am a much better person. Again. This probably sounds horrible but it was as if this part of me was handed back and I just ran with it. Seriously, it was as if someone handed me an Ikea gift card, my ass was flooring it. For those of you who know me, this is impressive, I don't run; therefore if you know me and we go camping and there is a bear attack...we all know I will be the girl you don't have to worry about outrunning. That bear will be snacking on me like a twinkie in the two seconds it takes the rest of you fast asses to get to the car. Enjoy your life that I bestow upon you when that happens. ((I would say YOLO but it goes against my religion)) If you are having grammar fits, don't worry....I will eventually go back and fix this. Eventually.

One week ago I made a decision to go back to school where my ridiculous decision making all started; Louisiana Tech University. For those of you creepers, please do not try and find me there,  I will have pepper spray, and I took martial arts for six weeks, you've been warned.

A lot happened in that week while I was visiting friends in Louisiana. First of all I realized I missed that hell hole, do not judge it is a love-hate relationship, and that second I can go ahead and finish my degree because what the hell else was I going to do? I could have gone to a couple of other schools and started from the ground up or I could pick one where I had been more than half way through. That's right folks, I stupidly left school to go marry a Marine, then I got knocked up, then I couldn't go back to school, then we couldn't afford it, then we could afford it, then his love for me vanished like rain on a hot summer day. This is where we start this chapter of blogging. I've had other failed attempts at blogging, and they sucked, so don't be surprised when this thing goes down the drain.

Being my age and going back to school is always an adventure I'm sure. The whole having a kid thing will make me a huge hit when I show up to school with toddler snacks tucked in my hair and crayons instead of pens. Best part of it all? I will be not much better off than a hobo I know, financially, and yes, I do know a hobo. Have your eyes started tearing up at my commas? No? I haven't tried hard enough. Annnnnny ways. This is my first post saying, here I am world, not quite as broken as I have been, definitely not shiny, but most assuredly here to kick some ass, take some names, and show my Daughter that I am not a complete and utter loser. The Ex? I could give two shits how he sees me, one things for sure he is not getting this voluptuous vixen back.